These scares hold more then I can bare. A reflection of pain stabs my eyes; repetion of regret runs through my veins. My heart drops, and bary's itself in the ground. Freefalling into the unknown doesn’t swallow the end. I hide underneath layers of sorrow, shielding myself from the outside pain, only finding more tears in the layers scornful generosity. Someone please give me an illusion of a miraculous cabaret shining into eternity. For the first time my layers are transparent. Above me lies a galaxy of hope. I shed the layers. I lose myself in faith's constellation; I float away in a sea of rescue. I have seeked to find myself; perhaps I’ve conceived the wrong journey. Maybe, I need to let love wash the pores of others, before it can wash mine and morph my soul forever.
[ might be some gramatical errors, btw ; ) ]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
really nice job! i think with a few more revisions this poem could be really great. I like your use of alliteration with "repetition of regret runs..." and you used a lot of great words as descriptors. I just feel like this could use a lot more organization because it kind of gives off the vibe that you didn't read it over. I just felt a few of your sentences were out of place, but that's really no biggie. I think you should let this one sit for a few days and come back to it and maybe you will find some different changes to make in organization with your ideas.
I suggest you buy a book of poetry and spend some times reading it and enjoying it.
First of all, it's hard for me as a reader to associate with and care for the speaker of the poem if I do not know why they are in all of this pain, or what ever it is. It ends up being a mass of description and adjectives and actions, just happening and not making any sense or meaning anything. Poetry should cause the reader to feel, to think, to experience. This didn't do that--at all.
If you do not want to go and buy a book of poetry, we have some incredebly talented poets here: Incandescence, Whence, Via, Fandilocks, Caligulas_launderette, Leja, Sam. Reading poetry will teach you so much about writing it.
haha, I like it a lot. "Someone please give me an illusion of a miraculous cabaret shining into eternity. For the first time my layers are transparent. Above me lies a galaxy of hope. I shed the layers. I lose myself in faith's constellation; I float away in a sea of rescue."
Yeah, there are some misspellings (...sp?) and grammatical probs. Sought, instead of "seeked," buries instead of bary's, scars instead of "scares"--scare is afraid. Repitition, not repetition.
But, I like it a lot. That bit I put down was breathtaking. I was washed away by the tide of this. Thanks.